Emily's Inner Skinny

!!Reminder!!

2010-12-20T07:36:00.000-08:00

Hello blog friends!

Just a quick reminder that I HAVE MOVED! Please update your reader subscriptions and bookmarks to continue to follow my journey :) I promise I won't ever move again!

New Website : http://www.fitandfreeemily.com/
Facebook: www.Facebook.com/FitandFreeEmily
Twitter: @FitTwitEmily <-- still the same!

Thank you so much. I really appriciate your love and support!

Playing Catch-Up!

2010-11-23T09:48:00.000-08:00

A girl sits down at computer. Baby cries. Feeds baby. Girl sits back down at computer. Phone rings. Girl talks for an excessivly long time to no one worth talking an excessivly long time too. Girl realizes she has to be at work in 5 hours. Sleeps. Girl gets up, works, goes home. Rinse and Repeat

This has totally been my life as of late. Especially with the holidays just around the corner, there just aren't enough hours in the day. My "real job" as been a bit slow this week (thank goodness) so I decided it was about dang time I updated my lovely friends and readers! What have I been up to? I'm so glad you asked!!

*    Fit and Free Emily : my new site is really coming along nicely. I'm waiting on some illustrations from an amasing artist, Meghan Murphy, to really pump up the awesome factor. I can't wait to see what she comes up with! Think Megahn's work looks familiar? Check out Skinny Emmie's site! Emily is not only a huge inspiration for my weight loss, but a very kind person who gave me Meghan's contact info.

Also, it is impertive that you understand how AMAZING Rita from Fitblogger is. Seriously. One day I single handedly crashed my own site. Another day I was freaking out about a color I couldn't change. Who's always there to lend a helping hand? My forever bff Rita. Go show her and the other fitblogger people some love today <3

*    Calorie Counting : yup, back on the bandwagon with some help from Spark People, I've been staying on target for the past few weeks.

*    Making lots and lots and LOTS of Green Monsters. Feeling fabulous as a result!

*    ~~Sticking to a work out plan~~ . Um, nope. My "get up and go to the gym before work 3x a week" plan has completely fallen off the face of th earth. Did I also mention the gym is FREE? I have no excuse other than my fiance is a really good snuggler.

*    I've been actively participating in the 31 Days to Build a Better Blog group. It's teaching me so much about blogging and developing my own voice. I really hope to show off these skills at the new site! Although I'm not wanting to make money blogging, it doesn't mean I can't have amazing content for all of you to read. Again, SO excited for things to come :)

So, that's the gist of it. My posts for the next few weeks will be breif and pretty plain-Jane, as I continue prepping for the new site. Thanks for all your love! Hope to see you all at Fitblog tonight!

4 Steps to Beat the Blues!

2010-11-09T06:39:00.000-08:00

For the past few weeks, I've been feeling a little overwhelmed. Stressed. Irritated. It's the typical "I'm not losing weight fast enough" coupled with the season getting darker and more depressing. I'm also feeling a bit forgotten these days by my "in real life" friends. People not following through on promises, blowing me off when I call, and filling my life with their drama.

Is it just a coincidence that I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks? Probably not.

At any rate - I took my blues to the Twitter streets yesterday and got the ~~pep talk~~ ass kicking that I needed. :) Thank you to all of you that told me to STOP feeling sorry for myself and make it different! So, if you're ever feeling defeated, look me up. I know how that goes!

4 Steps to ~~Beat the Blues~~ GETTING OVER IT

1. Identify the problem and do something about it: for me, stress from friends' drama and unreliable friends.

I reminded myself of this quote. I am in control of who I surround myself with and who I rely on. Solution? I'm going off the grid - facebook wise. I've already downloaded everything off of it, and made my profile basically non-existent. I'll be making a facebook page for my new website, but only adding friends from this community. Surrounded my health, support, and love. Sounds good, right?

2. Make a New Healthy Choice: this will empower you more than you think! One step in the right directions can lead to a whole new path

I took inspiration from Skinny Emmie and dived into my first Spaghetti Squash adventure. Result? SUCCESS. I added grilled chicken, mushrooms, and a little garlic alfredo sauce! Top it on some squash and you have a super filling dinner for about 250 calories.The even better part? All of this food in the picture made enough for four meals. They are portioned out in my fridge for easy grab-n-go lunches. One step = a week of success!

3. Do something that brings you pure joy: Anything that makes you feel like YOU. My best advice : take something that is stressing you and turn it into something enjoyable!

Sometimes I get lonely and a little sad at night, since my fiance heads out the door the second I get home. So instead of dwelling in boredom, my beautiful daughter and I had some fun making faces in the mirror and giggling hysterically. There's just something about a baby's laugh that makes everything better! My mind was totally in a better place by the time she went to bed that instead of sitting on the couch and binging, I headed to the kitchen and whipped up that spaghetti squash delight!

4. SLEEP ON IT: The best possible thing you can do for your mind and body is be well-rested.

There is nothing better than waking up with a fresh outlook on life. I woke up this morning inspired to continue my positive path. I wasn't groggy or cranky - just awake and ready. I meditated, made an amazing Green Monster, grabbed my already made lunch, and headed out the door.

What steps do you take to get rid of a bad attitude/mood?

Do you find that not blogging triggers bad habits?

Oh. Em. Gee.

2010-10-28T08:24:00.000-07:00

WHO, ME?

I am so excited to share with you, if you already haven't heard ... which would be surprising because I'm pretty sure all of North America heard me scream yesterday afternoon, that I WON Rita's giveaway from Fitblogger.

I could not be happier right now! I was just thinking to myself the other day: how can I make this blog more impactful, more inspiring, more ME? How can I create a mission statement for the goals that I really want to attain with this? With out giving a lot of the details away, I had a mini-epiphany of why I'm here in the Fit Blog world. I really truly believe in this community. I really truly believe that each and every one of us have the opportunity to not only change our lives, but to inspire and cheer on others.

Which is why this giveaway came at a perfect time. I am already feverishly working on a new format (I'll be moving to wordpress!) and pinning down a new domain name. I am so thankful for all of your support and readership - so I hope you continue to follow me here until the switch - and afterwards at my new home!

I would appreciate any honest feedback or suggestions you might have to help my new site become fabulous..

What kind of things inspire YOU to read and subscribe to blogs?

What kind of things turn YOU away from blogs?

In other news, life is moving along splendidly. I'm .2lbs away from hitting my 50lbs loss mark! Whoot! I also got the chance to talk with my dad last night, who is seriously my hero. He just finished his 25th marathon at 56 years old, at 4hours and 32minutes. WOW. I told him about this blog, (something I've never shared with family/friends) the amount of weight I'd like to lose, and my goal to run a marathon before I'm 30.

Knowing me, my laziness, my never-following-through-on-anything attitude, I was worried he would laugh in my face at these seemingly insane goals. Do you know what he said?

You can do it.

For some reason, that was all I needed to hear.

Much Love,

Emily

33 Day Challenge : Are You IN ?

2010-10-23T18:02:00.000-07:00

Happy Saturday everyone :)

This last week has been pretty exciting for me! I thank you all so much for your words of encouragement on my post about binging and finding time for me. You all have helped me so much. Through the course of talking about those topics on Twitter, I met some new tweeties! Brittany and Sam and I chatted on ooVoo and really hit off an awesome virtual friendship. Then the next night I video chatted with Rita and Brittany. These women are amazing!

If you haven't ever reached out to some of the amazing people out there in the Fitblogger world, DO IT. Everyone is so supportive and friendly! I need my ass kicked every now and then - and I can count on them to do just that.

In the spirit of Connectober and jump starting our fitness before the holidays come around, Sam posted her 33 Day Challenge. The first day is TODAY! Don't worry, if you'd like to join in, you're more than welcome! Come chat with us on Twitter as well under #33DC.

So Sam proposes this : We should make goals for ourselves over the next 33 days. We're focusing on Clean Eats, Resistance Training, Carido Training, Personal Goals and Weight Loss. Here are my goals and thoughts on each topic ...
______________________________________

Clean Eats
To me, this means eating foods that make me feel healthy. I will be focusing on lots of veggies, fruits, whole grains, and protein. The more natural and organic, the better! No naughty foods here. I've done so well not ordering pizza or going to any fast foods this last month. I'd like to keep it that way.
My goal : 60 Clean Eats / 66 Possible Days (2 per day)

Resistance Training
I have weights, shake weights (shut UP they are awesome!) and resistance bands. I need to actually use them. Hmmm, first maybe some dusting off.
My goal : 15 Sessions / 33 Possible Days

Cardio Training
This will be a little tough for me, since I am an enormous wimp. If I'm really serious about a marathon someday, I need to start moving again. This can be anything from power walking around the neighborhood on the nice days, or step in my living room. As long as my heart rate is up, it counts!
My goal : 15 sessions / 33 Possible Days

Personal Goals
- Blog 20 times / 33 Possible Days (eeeeek!)
- Read 4 Self Wellness books
- Stretch or do Yoga DVD 20 times/33 possible days
_____________________________________

So there you have it!

and, because I'm a nerd, I made the badges below if you'd like to post them on your site! Just grab the codes inside the boxes. They all link back to Sam's Challenge. Are you in?? :)

A Mommy First ..

2010-10-21T08:09:00.000-07:00

... and "Emily" second.

Is this how it should be? Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter. Like to the end of the earth, buckets of puppies, cheesecake with cherries on top, LUUUUUV my daughter. How could I not? Seriously, look at this pictures. How can YOU not love her?

I've been struggling for the past week or so dealing with the fact that Emily, at least the version of me for the past 26 years or so, is on the back burner. All those things that are distinctly "me," my singing, writing, blogging, reading poetry, painting, even running (never thought I would miss that!) have somehow fallen away. I am now MOM, and I'm a damn good one.

Now live in clothes that have been puked on way too many times to count. My ears are now super-human in their capability to withstand hours .. and I do mean hours .. of a screaming infant. My hands are now used to wash endless amount of bottles, diapers, and binks. My mind now relishes the 10 minutes I get in the shower, because let's face it - that's about the extent of "alone time" I get these days.

I've even missed the Fitblog chat for the last month. (I swear this child just knows when the first question gets thrown out.)

I know those of you with out children might relate to this busy-bee schedule as well. I also work all day and my fiance works at night. Where do we find time for ourselves? I definitely don't have any answers. I know that I would like to find time for me. Even if it's just an hour a day. So I'm asking your help ... WHAT DO YOU DO??

Do you set the alarm early and drag your exhausted body out of bed? Do you have a friend come by and watch your kiddo for awhile every week? Do you use your lunch break at work to blog?

Help a sista out! :)

Confession : I Stumbled

2010-10-19T06:54:00.000-07:00

More like took a swan dive into a pit of destruction last night. I'm very embarrassed and ashamed that it happened, and even more that I'm sharing it here. I need to fess up to these pitfalls, though. It will help me understand why I keep giving in to Mr F.

Yesterday started just perfectly! I jumped for joy (and then tweeted with my friends!) about hitting the 45lb loss mark. Whoo hoo - on top of the world!!

Cue the tray of Cupcakes that fell into my lap within 5minutes of arriving to work. The totally amazing work of my fellow coworker and my rumbling stomach made for a deadly combo. It's okay, I told myself. It's just one cupcake.

Lunch was good. I ate my beautiful shrimp salad, delighted in my apple, and sipped my perfectly planned Vanilla Red Tea. Then, for whatever reason I'm still trying to grasp, all hell broke loose when I got home. It went something like this:

Walk in door. Kiss fiance off to work. Baby crying. Baby sleeping again. Nothing to eat in the fridge. Didn't weight out my food last night. Why did I eat that cupcake this morning? Crap I forgot my medication at work. Well this day is totally shot out the window! Maybe I'll just have one package of Ramen. Screw that, if I'm gonna go all out, let's go all out.

I knew it wasn't right. I knew I would hate myself in the morning. Actually, I knew I would hate myself WHILE binging. I just .. didn't .. care.

Over the course of two hours (hangs head in shame) this is what I ate
-Two packages of Ramen
-Two Pumpkin Saffron Cupcakes
-Package of Popcorn
-Cheese Sandwich
(then I got crazy)
-TWO JIMMY JOHN SANDWICHES
-Grape Koolaid

I don't even know what to say from here. Of course I got on the scale this morning. I was up 5 lbs. Not a surprise at all, but I still felt like crying. Why do I do this to myself? I've been working so hard. I just threw away at least a weeks worth of work. Now, my biggest issue is trying to feel motivated to KEEP GOING. I'm now back at 170lbs - and feel like a total fraud.

Time to focus on moving forward, but I'm also trying to figure out .. what went wrong?!

What do you do when you have major set backs?

What triggers your stumbles?

Seeking Professional Help : A Dietitian's Plan

2010-10-12T07:24:00.000-07:00

Buckle in, friends ... it's gonna be a long one!

Last time I posted about my "Bad Romance" with food. Although I've been working very hard, like many of you, for the past few years, I recently decided I needed to seek out more professional help. SO...I asked my regular doctor what I should do. Enter : The Dietitian. For the sake of my horrible spelling and being way too repetitive with the word "dietitian," I'll call her by her first name, Jane.

I'm not gonna lie, I was nervous (read: super insecure) about seeing Jane. What if she thought I was hopeless? What if she was secretly judging me as lazy? WHAT IF SHE WAS PRETTY? I can't handle someone super pretty and fit telling me how to eat. How silly is that? Anyway, she comes into the office and is pretty. Very. Immediately I'm thrust back into high school survival mode of being the funny fat chick. She can see right through me.

"You don't have to feel uncomfortable. I know this has been a long battle for you, and I'm simply here to help you try some different approaches to food. I'm not here to lecture you," she says with a smile and a warm hand on my knee. And so the appointment started. I won't bore you with every word said, but I'll recap below. For any of you considering seeing a dietitian, I really recommend it. I felt so much more confident with my choices just by having a professional steer me in the right direction. Here's what we talked about ...

What I'm Working With: a basically non-functioning metabolism. I've had test after test after test on anything and everything. My past weight loss experience goes something like this : Emily eats 1,000 cals a day and works out in a variety of methods 5x a week for at least an hour each time. Emily loses .2 lbs that week. See what I mean? Non-functioning. Past doctors and health professionals have backed me up on this one. I need to be on some kind of regulated medication to help my body function normally, or I would literally kill myself trying to lose weight.
Past Medication: Over a year ago, I was taking a drug called Phentermine, which is basically a glorified amphetamine. I was desperate, and it's what my doctor told me to do. It helped me lose weight (about a normal 2lbs a week) and have more energy. Little did I know that it was screwing with my hormones and rendering my IUD less effective. I became pregnant as a result (well, that and sex helped too ;) and went off medication.

I explained all this to Jane, as she reviewed my files. We chatted for a long time about the stem of my eating problems, and what I thought did and did not work about my last try with Phentermine. I told her I didn't like putting that strong of a chemical into my body, I didn't like the way it messed with my emotions, but I did like what it did for my health. This time around, I want to focus on my relationship with food, not just losing weight. This is where Jane gets super excited. We chat about weighing food, protein, sugars, glycemic index, lotsofbigwordsican'tpronounce. After a long list of routes, this is officially my PLAN for the next 30 days. At that point, we'll re-group and see what is working.

Medication: Jane and I decided to go the natural route with my medication. I'm taking a natural occurring (in the human body) hormone "booster" of sorts that helps regulate your Hypothalamus. Medical mumbo-jumbo aside, the bottom line is that it helps my body do what it should be doing already. My body processes foods more accurately (as in storing vs burning fat) and my appetite is regulated. This has been a tremendous help already. Since the purpose of this medication is to help bring my body back to center permanently after a few rounds, obviously I will stop losing weight with just this alone. Which is why the next component is so important
Food: I am now an official FOOD WEIGHER! I never thought I would get excited about weighing out my food, but I love it. I can't stress enough how important this aspect of my life is now. I never realized how much I was simply overeating! This really warrants a blog post of it's own. At any rate, I have a prescribed amount of protein (3.5 oz) per meal, two fruit servings per day, and basically unlimited amounts of certain veggies. Jane's main goal is to help my body get rid of processed foods (goodbye cheese!), most sugars, and starchy foods.

The result? I've lost 14lbs since I started this plan. Jane informed me that the weight may come off fast for the first week or so because I'm drastically cutting my calories and levels of everything. I'm sure some of you can relate to that ... the first time you make big change to your food/exercise the weight seems to melt off! Then comes the hard part : every week after that.

It's all very technical, and I will be posting more in depth on each of these as questions from you come in. I'm very excited about this new journey I'm on! It really makes me wish I had majored in Nutrition Science in college. Our bodies work in amazing ways that I never even considered! Thanks for working through this entry with me, I know it's a bit boring ;)

Much Love,
Emily

Current Stats
Highest Weight : 310
Weight b4 Plan: 285.0
Current Weight: 271.8

*everything in this post should not substitute any doctor's advice for you. Please consult with your own medical professional before starting any plan or diet. Thank you!*

Food + Me = A Bad Romance

2010-10-08T08:37:00.000-07:00

What a week! Seriously. Did anyone else feel like they ran a mental marathon these past five days? I sure do. With all the drama from The Article and The Responses to the absolutely amazing results of Rosey Rebecca's "Bake and Make Sale." My cupcakes alone raised over $150!! How amazing is our Fitblog community?! I'm totally blown away by everyeone's commitment to each other as well as their own path. Totally.Blown.Away.

Things are looking up this week! I'm down a considerable amount of weight, thanks to my new diet plan (I swear to GOD I'll post about it this weekend. Getting lots of questions!) and I'm feeling ... well ... like the old me. The me that thought everything was possible.
Adam (my fiance) and I were chatting about my overall history of overeating. Mid-way through our talk I said "I've never really had a great relationship with food." To which he responded .. "so, for now you have to have a non-relationship?" This got me thinking. Food and I, well, we've had a rough road. It's been quite romantical at times and deadly in others. I just keep coming back to this bad romance.

*i apologize for said Lady Gaga reference. As my friend Danielle quite eloquently put it : "That chick is the McDonald's of the music world." ha!*

It's true, isn't it? Food, Mr F, is like a passionate lover we just don't want to give up. Sure, he makes us feel uneasy, we become unhealthy, he runs our lives and makes us believe we'll never find anything better than him. But, for any of us who has lusted after, made-out with, and perhaps wrestled around the bedroom with the bad boy we know that no amount of chapped thighs and bruised self-esteem can sway us. Because when it's good, it's guuuuuuuhd.

Let me illustrate this downward-spiraling relationship:

Phase One : Falling in Love
Mr F and you are casually seeing each other. Life is grand! Sure, you might consume a bit more of him than is necessary, but you're in love dammit! He makes you feel comfortable and at ease with all imperfections in your life.

For me : This is my entire childhood. While I wasn't a heavy over eater, food made me feel good about myself. My mother died when I was 12, and I was constantly looking for something to calm me. Something to center me and put me at ease. Pasta, pizza, burgers, anything that numbed me into the ever sought after food coma. I loved food. I lurrrrved it. Totally unaware that he was tricking me into .....

Phase 2 : Sex Me Up
Mr F is now MR F. You devour his every move. You want him all the time. Anywhere. Fast. Now. NOW DAMMIT. Several times in a row. You can't stop yourself. You crave him. He's starting you kind of make you sick, a little like a crack-addict. But who the hell cares?! He is ecstasy.

For me : I have spent from ages 16-25, sexing the crap out of MR F. Drive through orders with two meals, not just one. Two foot long sub sandwiches. An entire pizza in 10 minutes. 1 pound of pasta in a sitting. I loved loved loved my delicious life. . . . right? Although I was massively in love with food, I was never in love with me.

Then there's that moment. You know the one. Where you were sick of Mr F telling you how worthless you are. How you don't deserve to be healthy; to be loved by anyone else. But you're sick of being fat, being sad, being fun. You miss the old you, or in some cases - you miss the person you know you could be.

Phase 3 : The Break-Up

It's just not worth it anymore. You deserve something better than Mr F, and you know it. It's going to be a hard road. You might be lovers again someday, but in a much different setting. You will be in control. YOU will be the one to choose.

For me: Currently in break-up mode. I look at other people's food blogs and feel a twinge in my heart. They can love Mr F and be okay. Right now, I'm in recovery mode. I need to have a "non-relationship" view of him, and analyze my true need for him in my life. Take the parts of him I like and throw away the rest ;)

This doesn't mean that Mr F and I will never be together. I depend on him too much. He's too much a part of my life. This is about forming a healthy relationship and moving forward for the future me that I so desperately want to meet.

Let's just say for now, we're in couples consoling.

Much love,

Emily

Quickie Update!

2010-10-04T12:27:00.000-07:00

WOW – it’s October already. I can not believe it! I’mseriously trying very hard to get into a blogging “schedule” of sorts. Workinga full time job and then coming home and taking care of the little one tends tozap all my brain power these days. Not to mention stealing all my time away.I’ve been meaning to blog about a handful of things, so here’s a “short list”of some updates!

In one year I will be married. EEEK! *insert irrational fears about fitting into a dress* I’m not one of those people that will starve themselves just to look stunning. *although I wish I could be one of those people sometimes* I just want to be 40lbs lighter… okay, maybe 50 … er … 80. FINE We’ll just round up to 100. and 40.

I’m craving focus. I always feel very inspired by the fall season; needing everything to be working like a well-oiled machine. I’ll suddenly wake up in the night thinking “could I make an excel chart that tracks my wasted time so I can schedule that time more efficiently?” Yes, I know how bonkers that sounds. Believe me – I’m all bark and no bite. If you saw my bedroom floor (picture MOUNDS of clothes that are clean? dirty? do they even fit?) you would see that I spend much more time planning on being organized than actually doing it.

Which is why I LOVE making lists.

I must make an effort to participate in Fitblog this week! I MUST!

I won my very first blog award! I’m so excited, and a little ashamed that it took me so long to find out about it. I was reading through my 150 GReader updates and came across Brittany’s blog. I love her writing – very honest and down-to-earth. I love blogs where you really feel like a REAL person is on the other end. At any rate, she was kind enough to pass along this award to me!

1. Thank the person whogave it to you.

Thank you SO much, Brittany! You made mywhole month with this award! Hopefully it will push me to keep blogging on aregular basis. I’m so thankful for the readers I have, especially you!

2.Sum up your blog philosophy infive words.

Being Honest About MyStruggles

3. Pay it forward bynominating ten more awesome bloggers.

ONLY 10?

Jessie @ http://www.bitesnpieces.com/

Jen @ http://agirlwholovescupcakes.com/

Jess @ http://www.halfofjess.com/

Maggie @ http://maggieslosingit.blogspot.com/

Kendra @ http://www.kendrathroughthelookingglass.com/

Rebecca @ http://www.roseyrebecca.com/

Em @ http://unearthingem.blogspot.com/

Kristina @ http://spabettie.com/

Camille @ http://embraceyourskin.wordpress.com/about/

How do I not know her name? @ http://mercade.wordpress.com/

Today I officially started my dietitian’s plan. I cooked all my meals for the week last night, which was way easier than I thought. I’m very excited and nervous to be starting this venture, and I’m praying that it pays off. Stay tuned for a full-plan disclosure soon! Today’s lunch and dinner menu? Cajun shrimp and spinach salad, baked apples w/cinnamon, grilled lemon pepper chicken, roasted asparagus, and a strawberry breeze smoothie. Doesn’t sound too bad, eh?

Peace and Love <3

PS - I'm fiddling around with the layout of this site, too. Eventually I'll get this whole thing figured out!!

Warm Fuzzies

2010-09-23T07:28:00.000-07:00

I've been in slumpville for the past week, trying desperately to fight off a nasty fall cold. Everyone warned me that I would be getting sick all the time, now that baby girl is in daycare. Needless to say, a large truck ran me over in my sleep a few nights ago, and I've been slowly repairing myself ever since.

I ~~accidently~~ looked at the scale prematurely yesterday and was up 3lbs. Say what?! Clearly I need to get on a program, and fast. My body is too screwed up to do it correctly on it's own. I decided to ignore my feelings of total frustration (oh, did I mention I lost my reception hall for the wedding? gar.) and finished my "101 in 1001" list. Check the new tab on the top of the page! So, in spirit of moving on and moving forward, I did a little "things that make me smile" photo search. Enjoy.

What makes you happy?

I've Got The Magic!!

2010-09-17T07:33:00.000-07:00

I've got the magic in me! Seriously, how damn catchy is that song?! I was bouncing all the way to work this morning singing along with the radio. Not only for my deep undying love of Rivers Cuomo (specifically his Buddy-Holly-like appeal and undeniable capability to write unforgettable pop songs) but also because I lost weight this week!!

And not only did I lose weight, but I lost 5 mother-father pounds! Whoot - DOUBLE whoot!

(complete side note - the "mother-father" reference [instead of saying a naughty word, lol] is totally stolen from THIS video for Honda's "Swagger Wagon." Do yourself and your soul a favor and watch it. I've never laughed so hard in my life.)

Anyways, I'm pretty darn excited. How did I do it? Honestly, I don't really know. Well - I do to an extent. I was very careful with what I ate this week. After my debacle with buying my new scale last week, I was determined to see a smaller number. I also tried to be more active, but honestly I didn't improve much in that category. I counted my calories and stuck to it.

I also made (and went to!) an appointment with a dietitian yesterday. She brought up a lot of factors for me to consider (going back on medication, staying with natural supplements/hormones, food program) to help boost my metabolism. For the new readers here that haven't followed me during my Blog To Lose days, my metabolism is basically non-functioning. There are certain ways of eating and exercise programs that can help this - and that's basically what I'm doing now. I'll post more about this next time (my boss is circling like a vulture over roadkill this morning!) but I'm really happy that I took steps in the right direction by seeking out some professional advice.

Until next time, readers and friends! I'm going to celebrate my loss .... but I'm not sure how! Normally I would say "I'm going out to eat!" But that is clearly Fat Emily talking. Emily's Inner Skinny will not allow that ;)

Tell me:

How do YOU celebrate a loss?

Tune in next time : 101 in 1001 and my Dietitian recap

I've Returned

2010-09-14T06:52:00.000-07:00

... and with a VENGEANCE!
thank you for all the lovely comments on my last blog. I took a little hiatus for a week. I didn't even attempt to participate in Fitblog Chat, or my Drop Dead Gorgeous by December challenge either. I was feeling pretty darn defeated, and needed a little time to wallow in it. Of course I'm sure this resulted in a weight gain ... but I've got no one to blame but myself!

In other news - The Fiance took our daughter for the weekend to his parent's house. Which means I had THE WHOLE WEEKEND to myself! It was a-mazing. I missed them both terribly, but it really allowed me to think about what I need to do for myself and if I'm truly committed to losing the weight. Am i? yes. Is it going to be a hard road? I wouldn't have it any other way.

With my new attitude in hand, I've decided to finally post my "before" pictures, along with some other pictures from over the years of my weight fluctuations. This is really hard for me, because I'm trying to move past the whole "holy crap I look like a beached whale" view of myself. Sometimes taking pictures makes that worse. Why is it that I always look different in the mirror than in pictures? Does anyone else notice that? At any rate - I never want to see 310 again. That was my highest weight and I'm never looking back. I can't wait until a few months from now when I look back at this entry and feel accomplished and proud of the work I've done. okay, Emily, shut your mouth - picture time!

This picture was me at my previous HW (highest weight) ever. 275lbs. I hate hate hate this picture. You cal tell that I was literally bursting out of my size 20 jeans.

The picture to the right is where I always plateau in my weight loss struggles. This is about 245lbs and where I've spent the majority of my adult life at. I actually like this picture of me, but of course - it's a head shot ;)

My skinniest time to date, at 220lbs. Ironically, this was a time I was never taking pictures of myself. I think at that time I still felt like I hadn't come very far and didn't want my picture taken. I can tell now just by looking at my face/neck that I was quite a bit lighter!

The guy to my left is my brother - one of my very best friends and constant support system!

Okay, now what you've waited for - my pictures from NOW. I'm weighing in around 285lbs these days (something I'm definitely not proud of, but am accepting.) I took these two days ago in my bathroom, so they aren't the BEST quality - but they'll do! *sigh*

I'm immediately regretting this post. But hopefully it will inspire some of you to take pictures. It really does show your progress the best!

I'm not going to list all the things I hate about myself in these pictures. I'm only focusing on moving forward.

Tell me:

How do you document your progress?

How often do you measure/take pictures?

Tune in next time : 101 goals in 1001 days (Blog Trend!)

New Scale = Old Number

2010-09-07T12:09:00.000-07:00

a relaxing weekend

WOW, does anyone else feel like the long weekend went way too fast? I’m definitely enjoying my “big kid” job schedule these days. It’s nice to have a little stability in an otherwise chaotic life! Rain or shine, 8:30-5, I’m there. No nights, no weekends, no holidays. Maybe if I treated working out like a job I would actually do it on a consistent basis? That’s for another time and post ;)

I really enjoyed my weekend. I spent a lot of time with my little family unit; me, the fiancé, and baby girl. There’s nothing like the ego boost you can get from a 3 month old that laughs at the slightest things – even just breathing noisy and she’s thrown into a fit of giggles. I had so much fun, in fact, that I totally unplugged from my digital world! I forgot to twitter, to post, and to check in with my Drop Dead Gorgeous by December updates!

I did find time to finally purchase something I’ve needed for a long time – a reliable scale. I’ve been typically weighing myself on my Wii Fit board every week, but the results are anything but accurate. I have literally weighed myself minutes apart and seen a 3lb fluctuation. Total nonsense! Plus, I can cheat it. Have I ever cheated it, you ask … of COURSE not… let’s just say that if one wanted to cheat they could tell the Wii their clothes weighed 5lbs instead of 2lbs, or maybe weigh on some thick carpet to cushion the results, or maybe weigh their cat (Morrison) instead. Not that I’ve done any one of those things. Or all three.

So I hopped over to my local big-box-superchain-WHYdidIcomeHere?!-store and picked up a HoMedics Digital Scale. Got home, set it on the kitchen floor, and !boom! looked down.

281

WHAT?! I almost had a heart attack right then and there. I’m 10 lbs heavier than I thought I was! Okay, don’t panic. Got off, got on, and .. yup, you guessed it. Same number. I was so frustrated and upset that I’ve let myself foolishly believe that I was losing weight. Clearly, I have to be doing something wrong. I felt like I had made a giant step backwards. I remember weighing this three months ago.

Instead of dwelling on my past mistakes, (like old fat-thinking Emily would have done) I’m going to let it go. There’s no turning back now. I’m officially over the angst of this number, but I acknowledge that it means I have a long way to go. I know this is the last time I will ever be in the 280s. Sayonara, Adios, Ciao!

Tonight is Fitblog, which I’m hoping will propel me to post my next scary blog afterward. The dreaded before pictures. (O_o)

Tell me:

How do you cope with the numbers on the scale?

What do they mean to you?

Should they mean anything to you?

tune in next time: my "before pictures" and looking forward to the "After"

Your "Body Voice"

2010-09-03T09:04:00.000-07:00

I might have been a little harsh last post with my dear friend “Food.” It turned out that me and my little family caught a nasty intestinal virus that’s been hitting our city hard this week. Woah, not fun. Time to play a little catch-up!

______

I’m very proud of myself for starting off September on the right foot this year. I’ve been eating all those good-for-you foodies and trying (as in, I’m going to try tonight) to actually plan a week of meals and follow through on it. *SHOCK!* I know, it’s alarming. Seriously though, I know that planning meals is something I must do for myself if I want to be successful in this whole lifestyle change of mine.

On Fitblog last Tuesday we were all chatting about what our #1 piece of advice for losing weight is. Someone, (I think it might have been Rita?) mentioned the following: Start thinking of food in relation to how it makes you feel.

I love this thought, and I feel that it directly ties into one of my “Drop Dead Gorgeous by December” goals: To start viewing food as fuel. As of right now, I’m a total calorie counter. I still need an immense amount of help knowing what an appropriate amount of food to be eating for my goals. Jess has an amazing page to help you understand all the math that goes into adjusting your caloric intake for your fitness plan. At the very basic level, it’s input minus output. Anyways, my point is this: once I start viewing food as fuel and how foods make my body feel, I think I will enter a whole new level of fitness.

I know we've all been in this position before, time and time again:

Photo Credit

Double cheeseburger, cupcake, PIZZA = DELISH but also = gross, greasy, bloated feeling.

Hummus & Red peppers, grilled chicken = DELISH and also = great, clean, energized feeling.

Our bodies are smarter than we think. I don’t give mine enough credit, or I just plain ignore it.

I think some of our bodies have been ignored and misused for so long that they’ve stopped talking to us. I can see my “body voice,” just sitting on the couch flipping channels in my brain. “eh, maybe I feel like an apple.. wait, How I Met Your Mother is on.” Or maybe even they’ve been shot down so many times that they’ve started to believe they’re wrong.

This scenario usually plays out between my "body voice" and me:

       Body voice : "I am so hungry for energy. I neeeeeed some apples and granola, STAT"
       Me : "Nah. Let's just order pizza. It's so good, remember?"
       Body voice: "Yeah, I guess, but shouldn't we...."
       Me: "SHHHHH, i'm on the phone. Yeah, I'd like to order a large mushroom and pep..."

Yes, I know I’m talking about an imaginary voice-person.

Yes, I still think it’s a valid point.

I don't think it's to late for me to SHUT UP and listen to the signals my body gives me, and I definitely don't think it's too late for you. Especially this holiday season, I'd like to be able to stand strong with both my mind AND body on my team!

Tell me:

Do you listen to your body’s signals, or do you have to feed it new messages?

Tune in next time : the dreaded “before” pictures / new scale.....

Food is now poisoning me!!

2010-08-30T14:26:00.000-07:00

Well, food, it's been a good run. You and I have had our differences. I've indulged way to much with you in the past, and am paying for it now. I know I probably hurt your feelings when I told you we had to take a break. I just need some space. It's not you, it's me.

... that is no excuse to poison me.

__________
So today I'm in bed (same goes for the fiance) with a horribly sudden case of goof poisoning. I have a fever of 102.7 and I'm just plain exhausted from the illness that has ensued. I feel really awful for not getting around to blogging sooner - you readers are really important to me! I will hopefully be back tomorrow. For now, here's my Drop Dead Gorgeous by December info that should have gone up yesterday, week 2!! I'm pretty excited that I'm down a little weight :)

I am beautiful ... even with out any make-up on

Weekly Report 8/28

1.) Photograph - Took that first thing in the morning with out any make up. Something I need to remember ... our beauty is from within.

2.) Challenge Start Weight : 273

Current Weight : 271.8 (-1.2 total)

3.) My three main goals for the challenge:
1 - win the battle against negative self-talk.
2 - make exercise a daily ritual
3 - view food as fuel for a healthy body.

4.)Bragging Right: I did NOT completely crumble and give in to my "eat thewhole house" default when a stranger called me a "fatty." Only used itas fuel to reach my goals sooner!

5.)Improvement: I want to keep my room and desk organized this week. Italways improved my motivation to do more when I have a nice and cleanhome! :)

Quick Vent

2010-08-25T15:40:00.000-07:00

I was going to take and post my "before" pictures tonight. I was going to go for a walk with my baby. I read up on all your comments, blogs, and shout-outs today and felt good. I felt totally ready to conquer my evening.

Then I got off work, and a biker almost took me out. He made sure to grumble "WATCH IT FATTY" I almost lost it right there, I was so sad. Then I came in the door and the finace started criticizing me for being tired all the time. (on his behalf, he wasn't really being mean, but I was already in a sour mood at this point)

Point being, I AM tired. I was going to try tonight to really make an effort and exercise. Now I'm just down in the dumps. I know I should take my own advice and be positive, but I just ~~can't~~ am choosing not to right now. I seriously almost drive directly to the store, to pick up a frozen pizza, and eating the entire thing. I'm proud enough to say that I just literally stopped myself by writing this blog.

That being said, I fully intend to mope about the house tonight doing nothing. It's stupid and silly, but hey ... it's an improvement on my past behaviors. Tomorrow's a new day, right?

Think Happy Thoughts

2010-08-24T11:09:00.000-07:00

As many of you have probably already noticed, I am a huge believer in positive energy. That's not to say I can do it all the time ... it's really hard ... but I know that the more positive you put out, the more you get back. It's the law of attraction. Sometime when I'm not trying to scarf down a lunch I'll write a monster "here I am on my soap box" type of post. Today, I just want to share with you some ways you can spread the love. Seriously, it will make your life better!

See my blog roll to the left? Click on those blogs. COMMENT on those blogs! We here in the blogging world crave positive feedback. Plus, the more you comment the more exposure you give yourself for others to see YOU. Win win!
Take time today to sit with yourself. Call it prayer, meditation, or simply "quiet time." Let your mind take a break. Even 5 minutes will help you breathe easier.
DONATE to my new blog friend's, Suzanne, Run For The Cure to benefit breast cancer research. We can all spare $5 (morning cup of coffee!) to help such an amazing program.
Remember that we all struggle. Especially in this weight loss community. I always tell myself, "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." Live it.
Send an email, text, snail mail, or phone call in the direction of someone you've lost touch with. Just say hi. You never know when they might need it.
Take part in Operation Beautiful... or at least check out the website. It is changing people's lives everywhere.

Go spread the love <3

Week One : Drop Dead Gorgeous by December!

2010-08-22T05:50:00.000-07:00

Good morning, all!
Today marks Week one, day one, of the challenge I mentioned last time. Here is the amazing creator, 1/2 of Jess, website as well as her DDGbD challenge! For a small recap: Jess is putting on a self-empowering movement for ANYONE, male or female, to participate from today until December 19th. This is not a competition or a race with anyone but yourself. We send in a weekly report and a picture of ourselves with a positive message for self-empowerment.

I can't tell you how much I need this right now. I love the fact that Jess specifically states that our message can't be weight related. Our goals can't be a number on a scale. This is truly about making yourself see how feeling gorgeous and thinking gorgeous makes you gorgeous.

I AM a great mom!

Weekly Report 8/22

My photo this week means a lot to me. Sometimes ... okay, a lot of times ... it's easy to forget how hard I work at being a good mom. A huge reason I'm serious about losing weight this time around is for my daughter. I want to set a positive example for her about self love and health
Starting Weight : 273.1
My three goals for this challenge

To WIN the battle against negative self-talk. This is something I struggle with daily, and I've had just about enough! I want to prove to myself that being overweight does NOT equal being pathetic
To make exercise a daily ritual.
To view food as fuel for a healthy body.

Bragging Right : I have started this challenge! Usually I try to hide away from pushing myself, but not this time. I want to do this, and I NEED to do this. I'm proud that I'm putting myself out here not only on this challenge, but on my new blog. It's hard to share your struggles sometimes - but this community is the best :D
Improvement: My goal for this week is simple for some, but hard for me. I need to get up everyday when the alarm goes off. 5am, get out of bed. Move, blog, clean, swim, do something. No more snooze button!

So there you have it! I'm committed to making this challenge work for me! Are you in? I know a few of my good fitblog friends are joining me, and I can't wait to see their weekly pictures and progress with this program. Don't forget to check out their blogs, and share the love. Spabettie and ZenLizzie are two great gals that would love the support!

Thank you to all you readers out there. It really makes me feel loved to know you're cheering me on, and I know you are, weather you comment or not! (But, as always, feel free to comment and tweet this post!)

Happy Sunday. Go out and soak up some sun if you got it. If not, jump in a puddle for me :)

(in other brief news, I'll be back to my "regular" blogging on Monday. But look forward to this segment every sunday. It will be titled 'Week # : Another Gorgeous Week' " I know, real clever, right? ha!)

Welcome to Slump-town, Population: me.

2010-08-19T17:07:00.000-07:00

My last post's go-get-'em attitude workedfor about A DAY, until I came home last night totally exhausted and craving... you guessed it ... pizza. Props to me, I didn't order any. Which isA LOT harder for me than you might think.

I seriously went back and forthabout 10 times in my head before realizing it was too late to order andeat it before my fiance came home. Yes, I obsessively eat and hide it fromhim, or anyone for that matter. My friend Skinny Emmie mentioned eatingfast-food in the car so by the time she got home it was gone. It made herfeel like it didn't really happen if there was "no evidence"left behind. WOW can I relate to that! It's embarrassing, but true. It's been a long time since I'vegiven in to the fast food monster (because that would require me to actuallymake an effort to leave the house) but food brought to my door? I wishI could somehow make all delivery service blocked from my apartment.

Anyway,point of my rambling is this - I DID NOT GIVE IN. whoot! On the other hand,I didn't so anything last night. nothing. not even hand weights. didn'teven bother to twitter. could have written a blog, but I brushed it off. I didn't evenplay with my daughter as much as I could have, which totally breaks myheart. I just felt down, and quite frankly, depressed. I'm so used to allmy negative self-talk that I start to really honestly believe it. Sure,every now and then I kick my own ass and am super motivated for a day ortwo, but it never lasts.

So during my not-so-healthy lunch breaktoday, where I consumed a breaded chicken sandwich with cheese and mushrooms... which was delicious, I'm not gonna lie, I got caught up on some ofmy blogs from my blog roll (to the left.) I stumbled upon "Half of Jess"whom I've never read before. I quickly found myself enthralled with her site.On one page she had THIS, her "Drop Dead Gorgeous by December"challenge. Suddenly, my heart raced a bit. Could this be what I need toget out of my slump and end 2010 with a bang?! I HOPE SO.

I want all ofyou to join up with me! look over her ideas. This could be yourjump start on the new year, too! Plus, you'll have me at your side cheeringyou on, not to mention all the other participants. I know I feel betterwhen I know I'm not alone. Every Tuesday night, I feel a surge of energyfrom the fitblog chat, all because of the amazing support that us "losers" give each other!! I love that Jess is giving everyone that participates a Christmas card. How cute is that?

So, I am officially starting the challenge. Come Sunday, I'll post all my info for the rules here. I love that she's having us take a picture with a positive phrase once a week. That sounds like something I might just keep up!

What's your goal by the end of 2010?

Don't forget to comment, share, and retweet!

"Note To Self" Tuesday

2010-08-17T19:53:00.000-07:00

Hey there

I know sometimes you get worried that things are never going to work out.

The weight will never come off.

You'll never really find the "real" you.

But let me tell you something

You're right. The weight might never come off. But only if you don't try. You're blog may not be as cool as you want, (woah fitblog friends!) your posts may not be super awesome ALL THE TIME, your pants might not fit right, you stamina might be in the crapper, and you might still eat an entire pizza when things get rough.

But you are made to be magic. Everyday is another day to make it better. You are strong. You ARE beautiful. You have a great smile, legs that could kick down trees (whoot!) and a perfect ass. ;)

Now put on your game face and NEVER BACK DOWN.

... and probably never make that face again.

Love,

Your InnerSkinny

Making the Time for ME

2010-08-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

I had every intention of starting this blog today with a bad attitude. I’ve been feeling very frazzled lately, like there’s just never enough time to get everything done in a day. I’ve got a new job, the fiance is getting ready for school to start up again, and our 10 week old (wow, 10 weeks?) is in need of constant entertainment at all times. How am I expected to keep up with anything? I can’t tweet/post from work, I can’t join in on FitBlog chat because that’s baby’s “gremlin hour” as I like to call it. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Man, even I’m getting sick of writing it, let alone listening to it.

Then this morning, I was checking in with my fellow 6 Week Wonder Girls over on BTL and saw my friend Jen’s posting:

"I haven't ~~had much time~~ made the time to do any weight lifting"

Her intentional strike-out of "had the time" made me stop dead in my “woa is me” tracks. I say that phrase to myself every single day when complaining that I never exercise and am not losing like I want to. Do I really not have enough time? Or am I choosing not to make time? Roni also brought this topic up in her blog last night, and it seems to be an ongoing challenge for the majority of us “losers.” We can’t do everything all the time. True. What we can do is make ourselves a priority in our own lives.

For example : my usual routine after work is something like this: walk in the door from work, fiance walks out to work, get in “comfy clothes” and relax/fix dinner till baby wakes up (usually about an hour), feed baby while watching TV, play w/baby till 9, feed her, put her down, watch TV until fiance is home at 10, go to bed.
I never really realized how much bumming around I do until just now typing that out. Is it okay to relax? Sure! Could I just as easily been relaxing while writing a blog? Absolutely. Should I have been doing simple weight routines while watching TV? Probably.

I challenge you all to take another look at your wasted time everyday. Really write it out, you’ll be surprised! I know it seems like at times you don’t have the energy to do anything, let alone exercising. I'm the Queen of "I worked hard all day, don't I get a break?" But if we don’t put ourselves first, who will? No more excuses, friends. This is going to be a hard one for me to change, but I’m willing to do it for me. Are you?

Food for thought:

What little things can you do to optimize your time?

Do you have any tips for fellow “losers”?

Comment below!

Who Says So?

2010-08-09T05:20:00.000-07:00

This morning I'm heading off to my new job. My first real job, actually. I've been a slave to sports bars, big-box retail establishments, insurance companies, coffee shops, copy shops, and the occasional plasma donation centers. No longer! I have a salary, (albeit small one) my own desk, benefits, and even a fancy-pants name badge. I know you're impressed.

So starting this job meant a few things that semi-terrified me:

I have to make new friends.
I have to buy new work clothes.
I have to eat in a public space, probably alone for a while.

.. and I have to do all of these things fat.

Sounds a bit crazy, right? But hear me out. I'm still very much a Fat Thinker (someone who thinks awful fat things about herself that aren't necessarily true) which is something I'm committed to changing. But for now ... let the crazy spew.

Making new friends has always been pretty easy, actually, for me because I overcompensate my "fatness" with funny. I know you know what I'm talking about. A lot of us chubby ladies seem to think we have something extra to prove. At least, that's definitely how I feel! I've got to be nice, funny, wonderful to be around. When people pass by my desk I want them to say "Oh, that's the new girl Emily. She's so super nice and fun to be around." not "Oh, that's the new girl .. she's pretty heavy, huh?" Don't even get me started on work clothes. They never fit right. My butt's too small compared to my gut. Button-up work shirts are out of the question. Eating in a public space? I feel like all eyes are on my every move. People judge you if you eat too much or if you're not eating as much as they thought people of your size eat. This is all real, right? There's no way it's all in my head ... or is it?

This got me thinking about how often I've told myself I can't do something because I'm overweight. How stupid is that? Very. I know it's not something I can change overnight, but I certainly want to start trying! Who says I can't rock a new job at 269lbs? Who says I can't be an interesting person with out being a skinny minnie? Who says I can't be HAPPY? If I'm the only one really telling myself it's not possible ... well, pffft, forget that! I don't trust my instincts lately anyway. Just yesterday I watched a whole hour of Jersey Shore. (insert shudder)

Face it Emily, sometimes you can just be wrong.

Food for Thought:

What kind of "fat thoughts" do you think?

Have you made steps to stop this negative pattern?

Starting Over ... Again

2010-08-07T17:29:00.000-07:00

My previous home!

"Sometimes our only way is jumping, I hope you're not afraid of heights."

Well, I've finally done it friends! I've made the big move from my former spot at Blog To Lose over to the world of blogspot. I have to admit, I'm a bit nervous. For those of you who may not know me yet, check out the My Story section, and even some of my back entries at Blog To Lose. Here's the gist of my life right now:

I'm a 26yr old new mom, engaged, starting her first REAL important job (on Monday!) and battling a 13 year battle of being obese. Okay, morbidly obese is probably more accurate. I'm 5ft6 and weigh an astonishing 269lbs. I'm not sure how life brought me here, all I know that being this way has been pretty much my entire life up until now. I've been known to polish off an entire large pizza in 15 minutes (ugh, can we say mindless eating?) and not think twice about spending ten dollars in drive-thru food. Do you even realize how much food ten dollars will buy you?

To give myself a little credit, I have come a long way. I've made some big changes during my time at blogging at BTL. I went from never having touched an exercise machine with a ten-foot pole, to a gym junkie. While McDonald's and Taco Bell used to be an every day occurrence, nowadays I barely even look at those places.

I still have an incredibly tough road ahead of me, and need all the support I can get! I just joined up on Twitter, and have found some amazing and inspirational fit friends already. I'm so excited to start this phase of my fit-blogging lifestyle! Let me know if I can support YOU too - and I'll add you to my ever growing Gmail Reader and Blogroll.

Here's to finding that skinny and healthy girl inside of me. She's waited a long 26yrs to come out!

~ Emily